Relationship Clarity

A majority of our lives is spent in relationship with other people. It’s sometimes surprising to see how many people are walking around in what I call the “relationship daze”. Particularly, when it comes to romance or being in a committed relationship, we are so often clueless.

The answer is to become conscious in our relationships. To become conscious in your relationships is to come out of the fog, to become clear and aware of your choices, which are productive and which are unproductive.


Three Traits of a Conscious Relationship

Three of the most important skills for being (there are more) in a conscious relationship are:

  • Know your vision
  • Be a good communicator
  • Be 100% responsible


Know Your Vision

First and foremost, being conscious in relationship is to know who you are and what you want. This means being clear about life purpose, your requirements, needs, and wants. Most people think they know this, but so often, we are only looking at the tip of the iceberg, where 90% of the substance is below the surface.

From my experience, a good percentage of the problems in committed or even uncommitted relationships are because of unstated or unrealized expectations. These are often the residents of our nighttime dreams, the fantasies about the perfect relationship. Taking the relationship out of the fantasy world and making your vision clear and explicit is vital. If you go into a relationship with a huge piece of the iceberg still under the surface, there is bound to be trouble.


Be a competent Communicator

The second trait of a conscious relationship is being able to communicate competently- especially when feeling overwhelmed by emotion. And believe me, if there is ever a time when emotion can overwhelm, it in a romantic relationship! Many of us are at times emotionally over reactive.

There are two types of over reactive people according to Harvile Hendrix. In his book, “Getting the Love You Want”, he calls them minimizers and maximizers.

Minimizers stonewall others when they are upset- they under reacting, withhold, or shut down. For minimizers, its important to get more understanding of how you are feeling and learn how to communicate with your partner about those feelings.

On the other hand, maximizers tend to over expressive when having strong emotions. They can, at times, say things that are hurtful, things that they really don’t mean. Maximizers often have the mistaken notion that being close to someone makes it ok to tell everything that you feel at any given moment without any filter- in whatever way it comes out.

In reality, you need to be thoughtful, careful, and considerate in how you communicate to your significant other.

The person you love deserves your utmost effort in how you communicate and interact with them. Learning to manage your emotions, becoming more emotionally intelligent is vital for a conscious relationship.


Be Responsible

Lastly learn to take total responsibility for your relationship. I used to think relationships were 50/50 but have come to realize they are really 100/100. And if two people take 100% responsibility, then that’s 200% responsibility!

Being responsible means asking for what you need and want and being willing to accept it when you can’t have it- in other words accept the other person as they are. This does not mean that you have to remain unhappy forever, just don’t expect a person to change huge aspects of their personality through your monumental efforts.

However, if you are unhappy in your relationship and both parties are willing to work on it in therapy or coaching, then there is a chance for change to occur. Unfortunately, too many people take on the responsibility for changing the other person. If you find yourself pointing a finger at the other person a lot, then it is time for a change.

Another aspect of responsibility is that you must also be willing to end it (or not start it if you are not yet fully committed) if your requirements are not met. It’s important to have your requirements clarified beforehand. (Requirements are deal breakers, those things that if not present will cause a breakup). If your partner is not willing to do the relationship work, wishing that he or she will change is simply wasted time.

I have just briefly touched on several of the qualities of a conscious relationship. Being conscious and clear is protection against many of the problems that plague troubled relationships. Look for more of the qualities of being conscious and in love in future articles.

For more information on these and other relationship issues, call Dr. Davis at 407-351-5660 or go to the ask Dr. Davis page.

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