Fix My Wife, Please!

Fix My Wife, Please!

Fix My Wife, Please!

95% of the time, when I sit across the room from a couple in marriage counseling, each of them is asking me, in one way or another, to fix their partner. Yet, the fact is that 99% of the time there is no one to blame. What is the old saying, one finger points at me, three point back at you? If you are looking at your partner as the problem, you are most likely looking in the wrong place!!

Why do we blame each other so readily?

The main reason is that we, as a culture, maybe as a race, are not good at taking responsibility.

However, I also believe that troubled couples do so much blaming of their partners because these relationships are so vital, so important! We place a great deal of weight on our families- on being happy and “in love.” We so value our love relationships that they stir powerful and sometimes overwhelming forces within us. When a marriage is in trouble, fear and self protection often overtake us .

Because we are so vulnerable to the loss of a close and important relationship, we often look to our partner, someone we rely on, to change things. Plus, it appears to us that the relationship problem is really them because of them. Sometimes we even rage at them with criticism or attack. We may run away (either physically or by stonewalling). All these attempts at change are generally in vain and usually serve to make things worse.

This mode of operating can become an ongoing cycle that is self perpetuating. Negativity feeds negativity and a cycle of hurt can become the norm. A highly negative environment is like poison to a relationship. Living in this toxic environment often leads to death of the marriage and either to divorce or total disconnection (the roommate syndrome).

In couples counseling, I often see partners who vowed undying love, who chose to spend their life together, angrily pointing fingers at each other. It is sad that this blame and recrimination becomes focused on the person that was at one time, revered and idealized by the other. Sometimes people who were once “in love” even become worst enemies.

Believe it or not, this is not necessarily a hopeless situation (if the cycle of hurt is stopped before too much damage is done) ! If both parties are committed to the relationship, there is a really good chance that things can improve-the projection of blame can be pulled back and understanding and communication can open up.

This can take hard work and often, it cannot be done without help. Our need to blame someone is powerful! Our anger and disappointment that things are going wrong can be titanic. But, I believe that humans ultimately are all seeking growth and higher purpose. With commitment and courage, almost any couple can find their way through the darkest of times!

 

3 Comments

  1. Great Article. I can relate to so much of it…guess it really is time for counseling.

  2. Glad you liked it. feel free to call me if you want to discuss your issues further.

  3. I agree AMAZING article. It hit every point in my relationship at the time being. Just too much. its time for help

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