Conscious Relationships

Condolences for a Bad Breakup

I have received several condolences from a number of people who read my previous blog post- Some saying how sorry they are the I had such a bad break up- that sort of thing. While I really appreciate people who (don't even know me)  reach out with a sympathetic response, I think some may have missed the point. This is a POSITIVE story. In fact exciting, growth inducing, INCREDIBLE would be more accurate descriptions.

My guess is that those people who wrote me expressing concern are possibly being affected by their own history- as we have all had a bad break up and they know how horrible it can feel. But, from many (if not all) negative experiences, one can find the gold- then the bad part pales in comparison. Some people imagine that any negative experience where negative- painful emotions are expressed is BAD. Life is rich with positive and negative experiences and emotions. learning that negative emotions pass- change, lessen, etc., is vital to a happy and healthy life.

By the way, most people that did respond could not make the comment gadget work correctly. If you want to comment, send me an email at leifdavis@yahoo.[ add the com to the end. people can forage for emails if in the open like that].
thanks

View my complete profile   |   posted by Dr. Davis @ 7:08 AM   |   Top   |   0 Comments

Forgiveness and Healing: One Man's story

I don’t, by habit, write extensively about myself on this blog. But, I had such a powerful experience a few weeks ago that I felt compelled to write about it.

This story is one of intrigue, suffering, long held resentment, love and hatred, singing of the blues (she done me wrong), forgiveness and transformation. The characters are celebrities, healers, and ghosts from the past.

First off, the apex of this story occurred the first week of December while at a conference of NICABM (The National Institute for the Application of Behavioral Medicine). I can just imagine your eyes glazing over and mind beginning to wonder with that beginning.

The experience was so great, in large part because I had the help of several of the healers in attendance of the conference. I must pass along to any of you reading this (you know who you are) how deeply I appreciate your acceptance, help, and love. I will never forget that!! The energy in general was wonderful and those in attendance were healers from many different disciplines-. There were nurses, physicians, psychologists, counselors, massage therapists, and many other helping professionals.

So the apex of this story is enacted while at a conference for health practitioners during a break in a hypnosis training with the famous Bill O’Hanlan- (check out his stuff  here, I recommend it), I was walking down the hall minding my own business, perhaps feeling a bit in trance, as is often the case when in hypnosis training.

When I first saw her, I froze. I must have looked like a complete idiot- standing in the middle of this hotel hallway, with a look of shear terror, within 5 feet of my ex wife! The woman that I once called the love of my life, my soul mate, this woman that I had not seen in 15 YEARS.

The prequel to this scene began many years before when I fell in love with one of the most beautiful women that I had even seen. She had long dark hair as thick and shiny as a horse’s mane. She was strong and athletic, smart, maybe even brilliant. And as luck may have it (at least I thought it was luck at the time), she was also a therapist. I met her working in a hospital. I really should have seen some red flags when we, before really knowing each other well, use to argue about, well, just about everything. In any case, blinded by infatuation, the arguments soon turned to heat and I asked her to marry me. So vivid are my memories of this time- I can remember the rich burgundy blouse and sleek black skirt she wore the day she told me she was free to see me (she has just broken up with her boyfriend). I was truly high that day- my head full of neurochemicals and fantasies of the perfect love (I write about this elsewhere on this blog). That may have been the best day of my life that I can remember.

Unfortunately, things quickly turned south and within a very brief period (less than a year) she left me without really so much as a goodbye. There was lots of reason for this, most too lengthy to go into- and really off the topic. Who is responsible is really not the point either. I remember clearly standing before the judge as if it were a dream- (Actually more like a nightmare.- That whole period was like a psychotic nightmare.) I also clearly remember sitting on the bed in a dingy, dank, and depressing long-stay hotel room, wondering what happened to my life; just three days before closing on our new house.

It took me a few months to really get angry, but I developed an anger that was monumental!! (There was really good stuff that happened because of the divorce- elsewhere I talk about how transformation often occurs in tragedy- but I digress). I was angry for years, so hurt, feeling so betrayed and abandoned. I was a victim, she left me without good reason, and I had no sense of closure whatsoever. The last time I saw her was in front of the courthouse after the horrible meeting with the judge. I remember seeing her car drive away as feeling such incredible loss and shock. (I dreamed of similar scenes for months- her blue car driving away as I tried to catch up- to get her to tell me what had happened) I soon moved away and she soon remarried. I never saw her again-that is, until. . .

The conference hotel hallway- 5 feet in front of me- There I was, standing frozen like a small animal who just notice the mountain lion perched on a boulder in my path. She passed within a few feet of me and didn’t notice. (Later I wondered if I really saw her or if that psychosis was returning).

I returned to my class shaking and dazed, in an adrenaline drenched haze. Before class started, I vomited a brief bit of the story and asked Bill O'hanlan, our hypnosis instructor if he would help me; maybe he could put me in a hypnotic trance next time he was doing a demonstration for the class. I was really desperate to find some way to ground myself, turn down my arousal level, get some handle on what I was experiencing. Oh, by the way, I told the whole class of about 40 people what just happened.

Well, Bill O’Hanlan is a master hypnotherapist and, gave me exactly what I needed. I am not sure exactly what that was, but I was prepared to confront this ghost from my past. After the trance experience I felt much better equipped to deal with the coming storm (or whatever it would be). The other interesting thing is that people asked me for days, “Did you talk to her yet,” or “How did it go?” Not only did I have the strengthening of my resources in the hypnotic session, but I had the support of all of those wonderful healers. For whatever reason this all seemed natural.

I didn’t see her again that day and slept fitfully that night- but I WAS READY!

The next day I saw her almost right away, standing off to the side. She turned and looked me straight in the eyes and kept on moving. I was in such a good place, i felt relatively relaxed, bolstered by newly found resources and I simply said “Hey, don’t I know you?” trying to be as unobtrusive as I could, given the circumstances. It was just starting to register and I saw what I am sure was the same frozen pose - a kind of mirror image of what I must have looked like the day before. She was able to blurt out a few words, confirming to her friends that, yes she knew me- that we were once married. Everyone laughed uncomfortably. That was about all she could say- she seemed truly speechless.

I have to admit, as I look back on it now, I sort of enjoyed the momentary feeling of power. I affected her in the same way she affected me. (But I was more centered and prepared.) She was really FREAKED OUT!
Anyway, looking at her horrified face, I simply suggested that maybe we could talk later. I think she would have said yes to almost anything, just as long as I would go away. (little did I know that she went back to her class and did much the same thing I had done. She announced what had happened to the group and got help processing and dealing with the stuff coming up for her.)

After a relatively sleepless night, I ran into her the next day in the hotel coffee shop. She seemed a little more together and agreed to take a few minutes to talk. I immediately blurted out- “I want you to know how sorry I am and I forgive you. At that moment it felt like time stopped. She made a sigh of relief and noticeably relaxed. “Thank God” she said. We talked about 10 minutes and had to get back to our respective workshops. I think 10 minutes was about all either of us could take.

The really interesting thing is that I was totally free from all the past anger and resentment. I could have easily told her that she still owed me money, or that she ruined my life, or that I would hate her forever for what she did (because I did feel that way for a long time). But none of that happened. I knew intuitively what I had to do and I did it. I didn’t really plan it, it just poured out.

I felt an overwhelming compulsion to see her again and to talk more. We spoke again a couple of days later, both exhausted from lack of sleep, weary from all the emotion-the physiological arousal that we were both experiencing. I spoke out loud everything that I could remember, both good and bad, without blame, without the slightest anger- every memory I had of our marriage and the ending of it. I felt more and more relaxed, lighter, freer with each story I told, each memory that I put into words.

The next day, I saw her briefly in the big room prior to our last keynote speaker. I ask for her contact info, said goodbye and walked away. I made eye contact with a stranger who immediately said, “Wow, you have such an incredible smile on your face.” “Well”, I said, “It is really with good reason.” I immediately blurted out the whole story- (the short version). I spent the next 15 minutes walking around talking to people that I had met at the conference. I felt connected with them all- with everyone in that room, at that conference. I didn’t spill my guts to them all, but had they asked, I would have.

That night I went to see a Jazz/Blues band that was fantastic. It almost felt like a part of all of it. I was still feeling at one with the universe (psychosis again?) and made immediate friends with the band leader. (I plan to insert a clip from that night here later.)

I told him briefly that I had seen my ex wife, etc, and he said, “so did it work out well?” I said “fantastic”. “You back together?” It really struck me then; that never really occurred to me. This was not about getting back with her or reviving some old feelings or anything like that. Somewhere inside I knew that I needed to heal this wound. I may not have ever done it had I not run into her at this conference.

Not everyone has an opportunity to ask for and give forgiveness as I did in this case. Too often when working with people who are holding on to resentment, they tell me that they don't believe that the other person deserves to be forgiven. “I will never forgive him for what he did to me!" " I trusted her and she betrayed me,” are common phrases I hear in working with people who feel wounded by others.


But I do know that holding on to resentment and anger is poisonous. The one who suffers most is you- the holder of the resentment. It poisons your relationships, it poisons your sense of self, and it causes a disconnection from those around you." A famous psychologist once said, "Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die."

You own the poison, you carry it around and it affects everything you do, every decision you make. Sometimes the affect is not large or strong- other times it pollutes your major life decisions.

Consider this, letting go of resentment may change your life! You don’t have to do it in the presence of the other (maybe they are dead, not open to talking about things, or are otherwise unavailable) but truly and completely forgiving will bring you closer to your higher power like no other deed.

However, be wary of forgiveness too early. You must first work through the issues and you must be safe from being re-traumatized.


If you are holding on to resentment or anger, I suggest you consider working to let it go. We have just entered a new decade; the new year is upon us. Perhaps this is a good time to consider letting some old stuff go, lightening your load for 2010.


A good therapist can help you lighten your load, no matter what the burden is. If you are not yet ready to seek out professional help, ask for the help of friends, join a support group, or get into a 12 step program if it's appropriate.

As for forgiveness, I did a Google search and found over 2 million entries when I typed in" forgiveness." There’s lots of information and help out there and doing some reading can be a first step to moving past your old baggage and into a new life.

Really, it is worth the effort

Be Well

View my complete profile   |   posted by Dr. Davis @ 2:58 PM   |   Top   |   3 Comments

What goes round. .

I recently found an old diary. I mean an old diary worn and torn, falling apart at the seams, with a little lock- approximately two lines for each entry and a partial date-- 19_ _ at intervals down each page. Each page could have 5 years of entries on that day- I guess so you could look down the page and see how things changed over the years. I think I started writing in it it when I was 8.

After a few entries- it stopped. A year later, on the same page as the previous year’s first few entries- I started again, recommitted to writing regularly, which I wrote as the new starting entry.

Well here it is, hundreds of years later and I am still doing the same thing-It’s been about a year since the last entry- about right, a year between entries. OK, so I really mean it this time.. . I am going to write regularly! (It’s really amazing how little things change, or should I say how things change so little.)

Look for a very interesting blog entry on memories- and how our imperfect memories impact our relationships—Coming soon, I promise.

View my complete profile   |   posted by Dr. Davis @ 12:21 PM   |   Top   |   0 Comments

Relationship Rules for Men: Three Tips for a Great Relationship

We all wish for a perfect relationship. Most of us at the beginning, either as a child, or later as an adult, we imagine that marriage is going to be the idyllic relationship . . .

You meet the perfect person- you have that feeling- that feeling of your heart going into your stomach, or your stomach going into you heart, or changing places or something like that. But the reality never quite lives up to the fantasy.

After you are married, the fantasy can take a nose dive- reality sets in. But there are some things that you can do to improve a relationship. Certain rules that, if followed, can help keep the relationship machine well oiled.

The following article will briefly explain three rules, that if followed, can help to maintain and improve any relationship. These rules are directed towards the weaker sex ...of course I mean you men.

The 3 rules are: The Yes-Dear Rule, The No Fat Rule, and The Always Wrong Rule.

Rule 1) The Yes Dear rule: this is really a very simple-not always so easy to follow. My wife has her own twist on this rule. She is from Japan-she calls it the hai! Rule. She says as long as you say "hai" (yes in Japanese), every thing will be ok.

What I am saying is men, give your partner what she needs and wants- within reason. And I am not talking about material things. Sometimes simple things can make a huge difference in a marriage.

Research shows that relationships where the man shares in the housework are more likely to succeed. Women see a man doing housework as part of being connected, being loving.

There is also research evidence to show that healthy and happy marriages have space to allow the woman to be in control. This is because women naturally allow men to be in control. The reverse shows more balance and equality. If you treat your wife like a queen, generally, she will treat you like a king.

Rule 2) The No Fat Rule: your wife is standing in front of a mirror, you know, your getting ready to go out. . . (we've all been there!) and she says honey... honey, do these pants make me look fat?.... When I hear that . . .honey, I'm like a prairie dog- popping out of his hole- hyper alert!

You know prairie dogs are very good at identifying and responding to danger- they have different alarm calls for different kinds of predators- also different escape behaviors for different kinds of dangers. They are like little savant rodents.

Guys, if prairie dogs can do it. Danger, danger Will Robinson!!

There is an enemy in your house and it is fat!!!

But really, what I am really saying here is that, there are times when your partner may feel somewhat insecure, unsure, and it is a your job (if you want to be happy) to support her- hold her up when she needs it. Often, when she is standing in front of that mirror is one of those times.

Rule 3) The Always Wrong Rule: even if we are right, we are wrong. Recently, I was meeting with a client of mine- (In my role as a marriage therapist), I'll call him George. George was sitting with me- he and his wife generally came together- (their relationship was in real trouble), but today he was alone.

In the midst of a discussion about these terrible arguments they would have, George said. "I know the answer doc- all I would have to do is say, I'm sorry honey, I'm such a jerk"! I sat starring at him- really flabbergasted- thinking, you would rather sit here with an old bald guy, paying him big bucks to talk about this. . than to simply say Sorry, I am such a jerk. (By the way, he is 52 and his wife is 24.)

I said- “really is that all?”

Then he said with disdain, "yea, but I would have to do it all the time!"

I believe that taking responsibility and saying he was sorry would have solved most of his marital problems. Is this really so much to ask for a happy relationship?

Much of this article was written tongue in cheek, but the basic rules still apply.

To sum up- the yes dear rule: be agreeable, pay attention and give your partner what she needs. Believe it or not, the more you give, the less the demands that will be placed on you.

The no fat rule: When she doubts herself, make sure you she knows you don't doubt her. Hold her up; help boost her self-esteem when she needs it.

The always wrong rule: don't be too proud to say you are wrong- doesn't really matter if you are or not- its just ego that tells us to stand our ground for the sake of being right. Sometimes being right is tantamount to being alone.

There is no perfect relationship. But keep a few simple ideas in mind and you can have a rich and loving relationship that lasts the test of time.

View my complete profile   |   posted by Dr. Davis @ 6:31 AM   |   Top   |   0 Comments

Single and Dating a Married Man: Do We Really Want to Get What We Can’t Have?

I was at the bookstore some time back, standing in the self -help/relationship section (yes, we psychologists read these books too) when an interesting thing happened.

A young, very attractive woman walked up with her friend. She was loudly talking about the type of book she was looking for, one to help with her problem of course. Her problem, she was telling her friend, was her boyfriend, he just wouldn’t leave his wife.

Now this woman was attractive and I could tell that she was intelligent by the way she talked. Well, at least she was educated. But smart about relationships? Smart about taking care of herself and looking out for her own best interests? I don’t think so…

I read an article recently (a relationship related article) that said that we are programmed to want what is difficult to get. Somehow this is supposed to make sense as a stand-alone idea. That’s a bit like saying that the sky is blue because it is blue. Perhaps the writer intended to say that we like a challenge, that we try to achieve difficult things because we need to reach, stretch, and grow. I don’t buy it.

So, do people really want what they can’t have? Do we really pursue bad relationships to our own detriment- because we are programmed to seek the things that are hard to get?

First of all, no one in their right mind would pass up an apple within reach just for the challenge of getting the one at the top of the tree, at least no one that really wants to eat an apple. However, if you want to climb a tree, you may choose to go to the top and by the way, get the apple that’s up there too. There are people who do things for the challenge of doing it, but those people are not looking for the fruit, but the challenge of the climb.

Few people who really want a relationship would intentionally seek out one that is so difficult and painful as the young book hunter’s relationship. (I don’t call this a relationship but a self-imposed incarceration-) This woman could have had most any man she wanted but she chose instead to pursue a fool’s mission.

There are actually several reasons what this young lady might be desperately seeking what she can’t have.

She undoubtedly got involved too quickly and without conscious consideration for her own best interests. I call this the instant relationship. Its is easy to allow fantasy to carry one off, only later to have it all come crashing down when the reality hits. What could have been easily ended before, or better yet, never started, now becomes a break up, involving emotional turmoil and pain. Or worse yet, she could have an interminable period of time as a mistress in an unfulfilling and dead end relationship.

Also, it can be exciting and it can feel very safe to go after a person that is unavailable, at least at first. Space is freeing- there is a feeling that there is so much area to fill up, so much excitement to look forward to.

Most powerful of all, is our tendency to want repair. This is an unconscious process of seeking to heal old wounds and hurts through healing in the present. I would be willing to bet the hair on my head (no great loss given the small quantity) that this lovely young woman has some important person in her life that was unavailable to her, someone she for whom she desperately longed. So, as a means of repair, she sought out another unavailable person in the present, hoping to work out what she was not able to work out before.

This is of course an unconscious course of action, but detrimental and incredibly painful nonetheless.

And she hopes that the right book would provide the answer.

I did use a really extreme example to make a point. We tend to put the decision about our life partners in the hands of love and chance.

Love is the feeling that draws us into the relationship and chance (the same as rolling of dice) is often how we choose a prospective life partner.

So, what is the answer? How can we prevent this kind of tragedy before it starts? The answer is really very simple: Get clarity!

Just because there are unconscious forces acting on us doesn’t mean we have to act unconsciously.

So, how do you get clarity?

First and foremost get to know your vision, know yourself, learn what you want, need, and require in a relationship.

Make goals and take action to achieve these things in your life and your relationships. Be conscious of what limits you and make efforts to change them or at least not act on them. (If you are repeating patterns that are unproductive and self- defeating, learn to identify and avoid repeating them over and over). This means putting significant effort into both choosing your relationships and making your relationship work (if you are in a committed relationship). Spend some time and energy learning about yourself, studying relationships and relationship science. Take chance out of the equation (at least reduce the odds of failure to near zero as possible). This requires that you use both your heart and your head. If you are seeking the fruit of a good, fulfilling, and lasting relationship, make choices that will lead you to the fruit.

View my complete profile   |   posted by Dr. Davis @ 2:01 PM   |   Top   |   0 Comments

Having a Daily Routine

I was thinking about routine today. I believe that routine is very important for a happy life and a happy relationship. But routine can also be a problem in some cases if we can’t look past it to see what is really important.

In general, we are creatures of routine. It makes us feel safe and secure. Knowing what to expect reduces unnecessary worry and keeps us focused on the important things rather than being vigil about what dangers in the environment (like what animals want to eat us). So routine is part of being a happy human- at least for most of us. Most very healthy people have a good routine. Having a set routine is part of being disciplined and taking good care of yourself. Routine helps to make time for what is important rather than flailing about going from thing to thing.

Every morning, my dogs wake me up to take them out. If they don’t go out within a certain time frame, they are very frustrated and I hear about it.

I am generally the one who gets up early- every day, and takes them out. That in itself, is good for my marriage. My wife is a sleepy head and, even if she doesn’t say it, she appreciates my rising early to do the dog thing.

Even though I sometimes don’t like it, getting up to take out the dogs helps me. I get up on a schedule, I get some exercise right away, without even trying, and I make happy those who are important in my life.

On the other hand, routine can lead to taking for granted. In the case of your toothbrush, taking is for granted is a good thing. You know where it is and it is always where you know it to be. But we can also take for granted those important people in our lives. This is where being routined can be a serious detriment.

I knew a guy once who had a very solid, set routine, when he would get up, do his ablutions, go to work, come home- almost like clockwork- every day, seven days a week (with some adjustment for work schedule on the weekend). He was very disciplined.

He had a beautiful wife and to her surprise at the divorce hearing, he said he had no idea how he could live without her.

You see, she divorced him because he never told her how important she was to him. He never took the time to let her know that he spent a good portion of his day thinking about her and wishing he was with her. He was just so much a slave to his routine that he never deviated long enough to take care of business with his wife. (meaning taking care of her needs). He was a slave to his routine. Rather than using it as a tool for betterment of himself, he became an unconscious automaton- simply acting on his set program and reacting to the environment when necessary.

What I want to say is that we need to be more conscious in our life in general and particularly when it comes to relationships. We can’t ignore or make routine the needs of others- but we can make space for them in our routine.

Here is my advice: Get yourself into a set routine. Get up at the same time daily, do the stuff you need to do everyday with alacrity. Use routine to take good care of YOU. But also make it a habit to let the important people in your life know how important they are to you.

View my complete profile   |   posted by Dr. Davis @ 6:37 AM   |   Top   |   1 Comments

About this Blog

I am a psychologist and a relationship coach. Writing, for me, is a laborious thing- taking up too much time for the amount of written material produced- at least in my estimation. However, I have a passion for relationships. I love reading about them, speaking about them, helping my clients who are having trouble with them, so I decided that I might as well write about them. Blogging seemed a good way to get it out there.

My goal with this blog is to share my observations about relationships of the romantic type, Marriage, singles seeking love, and couples trying to make it work without marriage commitment between them.

I have been working with people having relationship problems for about 20 years, but of course I have been interested in relationships since birth, just as we all have an interest. We are interested in relationships because we are not designed to survive without other people. Baby sea turtles are designed to survive without any caretaking or guidance, at least some of them survive. Humans though, we can’t do that, and in my estimation, we can never do it, throughout our entire lifetime.

I don’t mean to say we can’t live for a short time, a few months or a few years (as adults) but if we are truly alone, we start to die. It is a very slow death and ultimately being alone may only shorten our life by a few years, but true happiness cannot be achieved without the intimacy and closeness of another human being. And as any existentialist will tell you, we die alone. But, up until the time of death we need others. And, (I now make a very bold statement) if we humans were really good at relationships, psychologists, counselors, and helping professional’s such as this would be OUT OF A JOB!

So, what I write about is, in my mind, the most important subject there is… And I feel very small in some way as I think about this. Can anyone really be so bold as to comment on life’s most important issue? Well, I guess I am. My love for the subject and my desire to change the world compels me to. I would like work my way out of a job! My dream is that some day the human race will have no need for therapists! (But I think we will always need coaches, who are experts in certain areas, for guidance, direction, and to hold one accountable.)

So with that, I launch my conscious relationships blog!

View my complete profile   |   posted by Dr. Davis @ 1:04 PM   |   Top   |   0 Comments